Just Try
by kittylovesanime
Summary: Vriska tries to keep it together while going out with Karkat and Sollux and seeing John again


Just Try-

_Splash. Ice cold._

"UGH! W8HT THE F8CK?!" I yell, startled awake. I see Kanaya standing on the edge of my bed, smirking and holding…is that a bucket? "Kanayaaaaaaaa! Not cool!" I pout.

"You Had To Wake Up Somehow, And This Worked," she answers simply.

"8ut you ruined my 8eeeeeeeed!" I gaze down at my soaking wet dark blue covers. "Why'd you do that?"

"You Have A Date With Karkat, Remember?"

"….So?"

"Its Almost Two." I sigh and rub my eyes. _Shit, did I sleep that much?_

"Ugh, fiiiiiiiine. Let me get ready." I slowly get up and slump towards the bathroom.

"Shall I Get Breakfast Or Lunch?" Kanaya asks.

"8runch," I request, yawning. "Oh, Kanaya?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks for 8eing a meddling friend." I smile and wink at her, causing the jade blood to blush. Before I get in the bathroom, Kanaya approaches me and kisses me on the cheek quickly, running off to the kitchen. _What a good friend she is._

I meet up with Karkat at the park. It's cooler than usual today, the wind blowing everywhere, but it's really sunny. I think about the outfit Kanaya picked out for me today; it's a dark blue tight-fitting shirt with my sign on it, accentuating my assets, with gray skinny jean shorts, and red flats. I see Karkat leaning against a tree, holding a bottle of Pepsi.

"You know, Coke is 8etter," I say as a way of greeting. The boy huffs.

"COKE SUCKS, PEPSI RULES."

I snort. "You suck."

"NO, YOU SUCK."

I punch Karkat lightly on the arm. "Shut up Karkat, and let's 8e on our way." I start pulling on his arm to the park's rides.

"I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY WE'RE GOING TO THE PARK. IT'S SO DUMB AND FOR LITTLE KI-" I shut him up with a kiss on the lips.

"Don't make me use my powers on youuuuuuuu." I wink at him, and he looks away.

"FINE," he murmurs. "LET'S JUST GO."

"Gr8!"

"Higherrrrrrrr!"

"I'M PUSHING AS HARD AS I CAN."

"More, Karkat!"

"NO."

I laugh. "It's okay, I'm good now." I can hear Karkat muttering behind me, throwing curses around.

"Take a chill pill dude," I say while going very high on the swing. The troll sighs and sits on the swing next to mine, looking at everywhere but me. I take a moment to actually check him out. He's wearing a black T-shirt, instead of that stupid sweater thing, with his sign on it, and his usual gray pants and black shoes. Even though he's wearing basically the same things he always wears, he looks different today. I rack my brain trying to figure it out. _What's different today? His hair? No…his shirt's different, 8ut that's not really it. Did he start working out? _I chuckle softly. _No, he's still a wimp. What is it?_

"UH, VRISKA? YOU'RE NOT GOING HIGH ANYMORE," Karkat says, startling me out of my thoughts.

"Huh, what?"

"YOU'RE ACTUALLY STOPPING NOW."

"W-wh-?" I look down and realize that I'm swinging lower now. I use my feet to completely stop and I look back at Karkat, still attempting to figure out what's different about him.

Karkat starts getting flustered. "UH…I'M NOT GOING TO PUSH YOU ANYMORE, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT."

"No, Karkat, that's not it. You just look…different today."

"REALLY?"

"Yeah, did you do something to your hair?"

"NO. ALL I DID WAS CHANGE MY SHIRT."

"O8viouslyyyyyyyy! 8ut you look different somehow."

Karkat looks like he's about to say something, but then he closes his mouth. Then he says, "IS THIS ONE OF YOUR MIND GAMES?"

I gasp in mock offense. "Karkaaaaaaaat! I would NEVER do that!"

"WELL, YOU *ARE* A BITCH," he points out.

"And YOU'RE annoying!"

"NO I'M NOT."

"YES."

"NO. YOU'RE JUST MAD THAT YOUR MIND GAMES DON'T WORK. "

"Shut uuuuuuuup Karkaaaaaaaaat! I'm not playing mind games!"

"SO WHY DO YOU KEEP LOOKING AT ME LI-?" I interrupt him with a slap. The nubby-horned troll looks at me in shock, his hand over the cheek where I slapped him. I shrug at him.

"What? It wasn't hard…"

"YOU SLAPPED ME."

"You wouldn't shut up."

"KISSING ME WOULD'VE BEEN BETTER."

"Okay, fine." I get up from my swing and saunter to his. I lean over and kiss him passionately. Karkat struggles at first, but then he returns the kiss with equal passion. _He is such a good kisser for an annoying guy._

Right then, I heard a voice interrupt us. "Vriska?" Karkat and I pull away quickly, and I turn around slowly, dreading the encounter already. _Ohhh, please let it not 8e him, I didn't want him to see…_

Sadly, it is him.

John.

Even though we never really happened like we wanted to and stopped talking, I still…love him. Even one look at him makes me light up and I start acting like some love struck schoolgirl. I'm not myself around him. I don't need to be so bitchy, 'cause he gets it, he gets _me. _Sometimes I wonder why we never had that date, but then I remember how he forgot I ever existed, and when he finally remembered, he said he didn't feel for me anymore. I recall acting all high and mighty, like I didn't even care when I still did. Oh, how stupid I was…

John and I stare at each other in silence for a moment. I notice that he's wearing his usual ensemble of a white shirt with a green glob monster-thing with shorts…and that he's alone. I get flustered even more. Karkat nudges me, reminding me that I haven't responded yet.

"O-oh! Heyyyyyyyy J-John! Haven't seen you in a while."

"Yeah, you too," John says distractedly, staring at Karkat now. I furrow my brow. _What's he doing looking at Karkat like that? Oh, I know! John wants the D. That's it. John wants Karkat. _I laugh inwardly._ Just kidding! John's not a homosexual._ "So you and Karkat, huh?" John continues. "Making out?"

"Um…" I share a look with the mutant blood. He nods slightly, allowing me to respond truthfully. "Yeah, making out with Karkat…"

"Oh…I didn't know…you two were like that…haha." For some reason, my heart fell when he said that.

"UH…YEAH. VRISKA AND I ARE LIKE THAT," Karkat butts in, putting an arm around me. Normally, I wouldn't mind, but _we're right in front of John. _I weirdly don't want him to get the wrong idea about us, and I was hoping Karkat would pick up on that. _Jeez, he really can 8e stupid…_

"W-well, uh, I'll just leave you two alone then," John says. I think I detect a sad tone in his voice, but it could just be my imagination. He waves an arm at us, slowly walking away backwards. "Have a nice day Vriska…and it really was nice to see you again…haha."

_Ohmygod NOOOOOOOO JOHN, DON'T LEAVE. I STILL FEEL RED FOR YOU DAMMIT._

Too bad I never say it out loud, John leaves before I could even try.

"Karkat?" I ask. We're walking back to my place, loosely holding hands. It's only 4 p.m., but I strangely feel really cold.

"YEAH?" he responds.

"What are we?"

He looks at me in confusion. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

"Like…define our relationship."

"WE'RE GOING OUT. I DON'T KNOW WHY OR HOW, BUT WE ARE."

"I know thaaaaaaaat, 8ut what ARE we? Are we m8sprits, or-?"

Karkat starts laughing loudly. "NO, CLEARLY NOT MATESPRITS."

"Okayyyyyyyy, so what quadrant are we in? Kismesis?" I stop to face him fully.

Karkat ponders about it for a moment. "I…I DON'T THINK SO."

"Well that's just 8ullshit! We're not moirails or auspistices! What are we, Karkat?"

"I DON'T KNOW, VRISKA."

"8ut aren't you an expert on this kind of stuff?"

"OF COURSE, BUT WE'RE HARD TO DEFINE. I HATE YOU, BUT NOT THAT STRONGLY, AND YOU DON'T HATE ME THAT MUCH EITHER. I FEEL SOMETHING FOR YOU, BUT IT'S NOT COMPLETELY RED OR BLACK."

I sigh loudly. "Oh my Gooooooood. This is soooooooo complicated!" I let go of his hand and start pacing in the middle of the sidewalk.

"WHY DO YOU SUDDENLY CARE? ISN'T THIS…KIND OF SECRET?"

"Yeah, 8ut-"

"WHO ELSE KNOWS ABOUT US?"

"Kanaya…and now John."

"OKAY. GOOD. DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THE OTHER TROLLS KNOWING, KANAYA CAN KEEP A SECRET."

"Duh."

"WHY DO YOU CARE WHAT OUR RELATIONSHIP IS LIKE ANYWAYS? IS KANAYA ASKING?"

"No, 8ut-"

"BUT WHAT?"

"Let me fucking talk!" I yell, stunning Karkat and a few passerby.

"…OKAY."

"It's just that," I begin, running a hand through my hair, "seeing John again made me think a8out us."

Karkat looks at me silently, then says, "YOU STILL FEEL RED FOR HIM, DON'T YOU?"

"Yes! I do. And I don't want him to think we're exclusive." We resume walking again.

"WE'RE NOT," he points out.

"I know! 8ut John thinks that."

"SO GO TALK TO HIM AND TELL HIM."

I roll my eyes. _That's a really dum8 idea. _"_No_, Karkaaaaaaaat! You don't just talk to a former almost m8sprit after not speaking to each other in everrrrrrrr."

"TROLL HIM THEN."

"Didn't I not just say no?"

It was Karkat's turn to roll his eyes. "YOU'RE TOO COMPLICATED FOR ME."

"And you're too annoying for me!" I retort.

"SHUT UP."

"You shut up!"

"YOU SHUT UP."

"You!"

"LOOK, WE'RE AT YOUR APARTMENT BUILDING NOW. WE'LL ARGUE ABOUT THIS LATER."

"Fine, l8r Karkat." I lean over to softly kiss him on the lips. He blushes a bit.

"BYE." He walks away, and I walk in through the front door.

The minute I open the door to my apartment, I'm stopped by Kanaya. "Sollux Is Here," she informs me, not looking me in the eye. I furrow my brow. _He's not supposed to 8e here…_

Right then, Sollux appears behind her. "2urprii2e?" Kanaya steps aside to allow him to get closer to me. I can smell the cologne he has on; it's a bit too strong. I wrinkle my nose, but Sollux doesn't seem to notice.

I give him a look, then I chuckle and say, "Nice surprise 8ro." He shrugs his shoulders sheepishly.

"II thought you wouldn't miind."

"No, no, it's cool." I grin at him and admire the pink tie he has around his neck, matching his pink jeans. "And nice…matching tie and pants." I snort a little.

"Thank2."

"Soooooooo…where are we going?"

"Here," Sollux answers.

"…Whaaaaaaaat?" _The hell?_

"II feel liike stayiing wiith you here."

"Ooooooookay?"

Sollux nods and goes to the living room. I follow him silently, passing Kanaya by. I give her a questioning look. Her eyes don't give away an answer. _Jeez, do I need to find everything out for myself?_ The mustard blood plops down on the plush couch, propping his feet on the coffee table. I expect Kanaya to chatise him, but she doesn't say anything. _What's up with her today?_ I kick off my flats and snuggle beside him, his arm around my shoulder. Kanaya sits down on the other side of the couch, her back erect. "Kanayaaaaaaaa," I whine, "chill, this is your home too, you know." Only then did the jade blood relax. "Yo, Kanaya, what's with you today?"

"Nothing. Why?"

"You're acting all weird."

"No Im Not."

"Don't be a Karkat and deny it."

"2he ju2st want2 two 2pend tiime wiith you, that2 all," Sollux responds.

"We live together 8ro."

"2o you don't miind her 2tayiing wiith us, riight?"

I shrug my shoulders. "She can do whatever she wants."

"Then I Would Like To Stay With You Two," Kanaya suddenly speaks up.

"Fa8ulous!" And the three of us settle in for a night of random channel-flipping.

"Solluuuuuuuux?" I ask quietly, as to not wake up Kanaya. It's almost 11 p.m., and we're currently watching some movie that I don't even know the name of.

"Ye2?"

"What are we?"

"We're datiing."

I groan. _Why does everyone keep giving me o8vious answers?_ "Yeah, 8ut what ARE we? Like, what quadrant do we fill?"

"Jeez, Vriska, II don't know. We're obviiou2ly not moiiraiil2." I nod in agreement. "And we're not au2pii2tiice2."

"So, are we like m8sprits, or…?"

Sollux snorts. "No, not mate2priit2."

"Kismesis then?"

"No, not that. II hate you, but not liike that. II kiinda liike you, but not liike that eiither." I do a face palm. _Troll relationships are soooooooo fucking complicated. _Sollux looks over to me, the light from the T.V illuminating his face, the images reflecting off of his 3D-looking glasses. "Why the curiio2iity all of a 2udden?" I don't respond. How am I supposed to tell him I saw John again? "Diid KK talk two you about thii2?" The double-horned troll continues. I look away, and that was enough for Sollux to sigh loudly. "Ugh, KK and hii2 fuckiing ob2e22sion wiith troll roman2e. He need2 two 2top readiing the DUMBE2T book2 and 2top watchiing tho2e 2uper lame moviie2." _John watches lame movies too… _"II mean he2 my be2t friiend and all, but hone2tly…"

"No, Sollux, it's not Karkat's fault. I'm just curious, that's all."

He doesn't seem to believe me, but he lets it go. I rest my head on his shoulder while he rubs my arm. We stay like this for a moment until he says, "Vri2ka?"

"Mm-hm?"

"Your horn2 are kiinda 2tabbing me."

"O-oh! Whoops…" I adjust my head to make sure my horns aren't stabbing him anymore. "Hey, Sollux?"

"What?"

"Have you ever wondered how we started going out?"

"Of cour2e. KK and II stayed up late two figure iit out lot2 of tiimes, but we alway2 remember how you ju2t came up two u2 one day and made a deal. You called iit a 2ummer fliing."

"Yeah, this fling has been reaaaaaaaally gr8." I smile lazily at him.

"2ame here. II thought that 2iin2e you're a maniipulatiive biitch who u2ed me half the tiime, and you plu2 KK doe2n't make any 2en2e, thii2 wouldn't work."

"Yeah, this never made any sense." I let out a small yawn. "It's getting l8, so I'm going to 8ed." I stand up and stretch, then I start walking towards my room.

"Am II iinviited?" Sollux calls out. I laugh softly.

"Shh, and no," I reply.

"You're no fun."

"Shut up and sleep."

I make it to the door of my room when Sollux responds. "Fiine. Niight."

"Niiiiiiiight!"

_White. Everything is white. John's right in front of me, staring at me with those blue eyes. He seems to be telling me something, but I'm too lost in his eyes to notice. I start to realize that he's tearing up._

"_John? Why are you crying?" I ask._

"_Because I love you," he answers, sniffling and trying to wipe the tears away._

"_Don't cry John, I love you too." I reach over to hug him. He pulls back._

"_But we never had that date…"_

"_8ecause you didn't remem8er me."_

"_But then I did," John protests._

"_8ut then you said you don't feel that way anymore." Right at that moment, I had an epiphany-this conversation feels too real to be just a dream. _Is this a dream bubble? _I ask myself. _8ut w8...if it was, why aren't we in a memory?

"_I thought it was true!" John argues, pulling me from my thoughts._

"_Is it still true?" I question, wondering if this is the actual John or not. _May8e I'm going crazy.

"_No Vriska, it's not! I was just stupid…and I really wanted to have that date with you."_

"_Me too, John…I wanted to watch lame movies with you."_

_The boy grabs both of my hands. "Then let's have it, what's the big deal?"_

_I give him an incredulous look. "The 8IG deal is that we haven't spoken in a long time! I don't even know what to do anymore."_

_John looks away and says, "Talk to me. The next time you see me, talk to me."_

"_8ut I don't know if you're real or not!"_

_He looks back at me. "Vriska. I'll always be real…as long as you want me to." He leans in to kiss me softly. Even though Sollux and Karkat are pretty good kissers, John kisses me in a way that makes me feel like I'm the only girl for him. John pulls back too soon. "Vriska, you're going to wake up, 8ut please try to remem8er this." _Hey, he's using my quirk again…

_I nod in response. "8ye…John."_

_The blue-eyed boy starts fading away. "L8r…Vriska."_

I wake up suddenly, my cheeks feeling flushed, my head aching. _Is it hot in here? _A blur of vague images flash through my mind, but I don't understand what they are. I get my phone from under my pillow to check the time. 8:33 a.m. _Damn, that's early. _I yawn and rub my eyes. I get the sense that I'm supposed to remember something. _I wonder what it was…_

Kanaya walks in suddenly in her fashionable pajamas. I yelp, startling her. "Kanaya? It's super early, what are you doing?"

My roommate stutters. "W-Well I-I Was Just Going To…"

"To what?" She looks down at her feet and mutters something incoherent. "What did you say?" I ask. Again she mutters, and it makes less sense this time. "Kanaya, I can't hear you, speak up."

"I Was Going To Sleep In Your Bed," she finally says clearly.

"At 8 in the morning?"

"Yes."

"Why?" Kanaya looks too ashamed to answer. "Well, um, come under the covers then." I pat the area next to me. "I think I need to talk to you anyways." She shuffles her way to my bed and gets under the covers.

"What Is It That You Want To Talk To Me About?"

"I feel like I need to remem8er something."

"What Would It Be?" she inquires.

"I don't know, 8ut may8e talking to you would trigger something."

"Tell Me Whats On Your Mind."

"I, um…I saw John yesterday on my d8 with Karkat." Kanaya looks slightly alarmed.

"And What Happened?"

"We talked, and Karkat the dum8-ass put an arm around me, giving John the impression we were going out."

"You Are."

"Yeah, 8ut John doesn't need to knowwwwwwww!"

My roommate sighs. "Vriska, Go Talk To Him," she suggests.

I let out a frustrated groan. "Whyyyyyyyy does everyone keep TELLING me to talk to him?"

"Because It Makes Sense," Kanaya answers.

"No it doesn't! How the hell are you supposed to talk to someone you stopped talking to?"

She shrugs. "I Dont Know. I Never Did This Before."

"EXACTLY, Kanayaaaaaaaa! It's just really complicated," I say, ruffling my hair. Right then, I remember. "I got it!" I exclaim.

"Got What?" Kanaya asks me.

"What I was supposed to remem8er!" The girl stares at me blankly. "I had a dream a8out John, and he told me to talk to him," I explain.

"A Dream Bubble You Mean?"

"No, an actual dream." Kanaya doesn't seem to understand. "It still happens, you know," I say.

"Yes," she agrees, "But Dream Bubbles Are More Common For This Kind Of Stuff."

"Yeah, 8ut we weren't in a memory at all, so it has to 8e a dream!"

"I Understand Vriska. What Are You Going To Do Then?"

"Find John. O8viously." And with that, I jump out of my bed and skip towards the bathroom. Kanaya interrupts me.

"How?"

"I don't know, I'll just wander."

"That's Not Smart," she calls out after me as I go into the bathroom.

"I don't careeeeeeee! I'm going to see Johnnnnnnnn!" I say, giggling and hopping into the shower.

I'm sitting at a bench at the park where I bumped into John yesterday. I'm wearing a bright blue sundress that Kanaya picked out. The color immediately reminded me of John's eyes when I saw it. I loved it so much that I didn't even care that it was a dress. _May8e John will 8e here again. _Just the thought of seeing him again made me smooth out my dress ten times. I know, it's weird that I'm excited after that awkward-and heartbreaking-encounter yesterday, but the dream gave me newfound hope.

I'm holding a sweet pea in my sweaty hands. I bought it impulsively when I passed by Aradia's flower shop. I recall how the ram-horned troll smiled warmly at me, her eyes giving me all the courage I could muster.

I stare at the purple-pink flower, regretting buying it. _What's John going to do with a FLOWER?_ _Oh well, it's too late now to do anything a8out it…_

Too self-absorbed in my thoughts, I don't realize that John's right in front of me, calling my name. I see his sneakers, and my heart speeds up. _This is it._ I get up quickly, a big shy smile on my face. I lose it when I see that he isn't alone.

He's with Rose.

I stare at the pair in shock. Okay fine, I mostly glare at Rose. I don't know if she notices it or not. I mean, come on! I can never get a read on her facial expression; it's like she's a zombie, and a serious one at that. After glaring at Rose, I lock eyes with John, and I just _know_ that my eyes brighten at the sight of him, that all eight of my pupils are dilated-I can feel it. "Vriska!" the human boy greets cheerily. "You're here again! Haha, that's so great!"

"Yeah, me too," I reply, smiling. It feels a little fake to me.

"Hello, Serket," Rose says.

"Lalonde." We all look at each other silently. I then catch sight of their hands intertwined. "Soooooooo," I say casually, choosing to ignore it, "how's it going?"

"Oh, we're just hanging out, haha," John answers, scratching his head shyly. I raise an eyebrow and put a hand on my hip. _Uh-huh, hanging out my ass._ "What's this?" he asks, gesturing towards the sweet pea. _Oh shit, I forgot I still had it._

"U-um," I stall, fumbling to hide it behind my back. "Nothiiiiiiiing."

"What are you talking about, it's in your hand," John says.

"W-what hand?" _Playing it cool in front of John is soooooooo not easy._

"The one behind your back." John steps towards me, letting go of Rose's hand.

"W-what are you talking a8out?"

"Don't try to pretend, you know what he's talking about," Rose interjects, walking towards me as well. I purse my lips and evade both of them, clutching the flower. _I can't let John see this now, not with her here…_

"Come on Vriska, what's in your hand?" John whines.

"Might as well give it up, Serket," Rose adds. My breath catches in my throat. _They're getting too close, 8ut I can't let them see._ I tighten my grip on the flower harder, not even caring if I'm hurting it or not. I back up against a tree; I have nowhere else to go. I close my eyes tight and hope for the best.

In a second, I don't feel the sweet pea in my hand anymore. I open my eyes and look at my hand. The flower's not there. _Where the f-? _I see Rose handing the partly crushed flower to John. _Fucking Lalonde! _He cradles the sweet pea and looks into my eyes.

"What is this Vriska?" John questions.

I look away, my cheeks heating up. "Sweet pea," I mutter.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"A sweet pea," I say louder, praying he won't understand the meaning behind it. Unfortunately, Rose seems to know. She smirks. _That little-!_

"Why though?"

"8ecause…" I start to say, but I can't do it. _This was a mistake, all of it._ The naïve boy motions for me to answer. "8ecause…" My eyes start to tear up. _I can't say it, it's too personal, and he doesn't even look like he loves me anyways…the dream was a lie, everything was._ I gulp down the tears and push my glasses up against my nose defiantly. I briskly walk to John and whisper in his ear, "8ecause I thought it was real, I thought you were real; I wanted you to 8e." John starts to reply, but I cut him off. "It's okay, I get it. You don't feel that way anymore, you're with her now." I rest my hand briefly on his, the one holding the sweet pea so gently. Before he can react, I step away from him and I declare, "Now, if you two don't mind, I've got an annoying and loud dum8-ass to see." I storm off to Karkat's apartment, leaving the humans in the dust. _And I thought I had all the luck…_

I'm pounding on Karkat's door, calling out his name. "Kaaaaaaaarkaaaaaaaat! Open up dammiiiiiiiit!" My hand's getting sore and my voice is getting hoarse, but I keep this up for a few more minutes, until Gamzee opens the door. Thick smoke wafts out and hits my nose. _Shit, that's some strong stuff._ I start to gag, but I'm still able to appreciate the fact he has no shirt on. _Okay Vriska, calm down, you have enough of a love life._

"HeYy SiS, dIdN't ExPeCt To SeE yOu HeRe," Gamzee says.

"Yeah, sorry for 8anging on the door a lot, I just need to see Karkat. Like, now."

"WhAt'S tHe BiG mOtHeRfUcKiNg RuSh?"

"I just need to talk to him a8out some stuff."

"WeLl, He'S nOt HeRe RiGhT nOw, BuT yOu CaN wAiT wItH mE," Gamzee says, suddenly dropping his voice.

"Whaaaaaaaat?" I ask.

"We CaN cHiLl AnD tAlK aBoUt MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLeS…aNd OtHeR sTuFf." He winks at me. Normally, I wouldn't mind, but he sounds really weird right now, more than usual. _Is he insinuating what I think he's insinuating? _

"Um, Gamzee? What you're suggesting is really gr8 and all, 8ut I just wanna see Karkat. I'm not really in the mood for any 8lack-or red-shenanigans you have in mind."

"No, DoN't WoRrY aBoUt It SiS, iT's CoOl."

"Thanks, I'll just…get going now. Um…nice a8s, 8y the way," I comment, blushing hard. I turn on my heel and rush away, Gamzee's laughing voice following me to the elevator. Once in it, I lean against the wall and sigh. _Ugh, fuuuuuuuuck. Karkat's not home. Oh well, I'll just go see Sollux. _

When the elevator reaches the lobby and I'm already out the building, three blocks in to Sollux's place, I had another epiphany-I don't think about going to Sollux if I don't see Karkat. If one's not there, I have the other to fall back on. _I'm just using them, aren't I? If I don't have John, I have Karkat, and if I don't have Karkat either, I have Sollux…oh fuuuuuuuuck! I'm so messed up! Why didn't I think of this 8efore? This whole summer I spent it messing around with two guys-who are 8est friends 8y the way-and I thought everyone could 8enefit from this; I thought we're all having fun. 8ut what if…what if I'm the only one having fun? I'm the one who struck up the deal, I'M the one using them! _

I stop in the middle of the street. _Fuuuuuuuuck! I'm such a 8ITCH!_ _How could I 8e like that? And John…ohhhhhhhh John!_ I start banging my head on a nearby tree, not caring about the pain, not caring about the tears coming back and spilling down my cheeks. _How could I ever 8e like that to them? This is wrong, I can't do this anymore… _

I run home with blurry vision. _And I thought I had all the luck._

I'm on the floor of my room, shattered magic eight balls littered around me. The curtains are closed and the lights are off, turning everything dark. The door's locked and Kanaya's been trying to make me open it and talk to her, but I haven't bothered to respond. I don't think I could've answered anyway; my throat feels too tight and sore. _I need a drink._ I rummage around for my phone, but I give up; I have no strength. _Fuck it._ I wonder how long I've been on the floor. _Hours? Days? I don't know…time doesn't exist right now._ My whole body has been aching ever since I got home. _I need to let this pain out…_ I pick up a shard of a broken eight ball and fiddle with it, turning it over in my hands. I sniffle and consider what to do with it. _I should cut myself, right? I never did it 8efore, 8ut may8e it's not so 8ad._ I press it against my arm and I run it down, cutting the skin. A pool of cerulean blood wells up. For some reason, the sight makes me want to throw up. I drop the shard and cover my mouth, the tears welling up again. _I can't do this, it hurts and the pain is still here. Why won't it go away?_ I slowly get up from the floor and blindly feel around for my bed, bumping into random furniture and stepping on the broken eight balls.

When I finally get to my bed, I crawl onto it, out of breath already. _Everything hurts, why won't it stop?_ I can feel the blood pooling onto the bed. _Fucking 8 8alls._ _8ut I only have myself to 8lame, right? I'm the one throwing them on the floor. Just like how I'm the one using everyone…_

Right then, a hear a knock on the door. It's Kanaya again. _Freaking meddle friend._ "Vriska?" she calls out through the door, "Are You There?"

I think about not responding again, but I answer, "Yeah…I'm here."

She tries to open the door, but it's still locked. "Can I Come In?"

"Suuuuuuuure." But I don't make a move for the door.

Kanaya tries to open it again. "Its Still Locked."

"Yeah," I say, "I'm taking a while to get there."

"No Its Fine," my roommate says, "I Think I Know How To Open It." _W8, what?_

Out of nowhere, I hear a chainsaw right outside the door. I cover my ears. _Too louuuuuuuud!_ Next thing I hear is that it's making contact with the door. _Oh sh-! _"KANAYAAAAAAAA! NOT THE DOOR! COME ON, SERIOUSLY?"

In seconds, she breaks through, turning off the chainsaw. Her phosphorescent self is blinding my eyes. "Shit Kanaya you're too briiiiiiiight!" I cover my eyes. "Turn it off!"

"Im Not A Switch And This Hasnt Bothered You Before."

"'Cause you weren't the only thing lighting up! Ugh!" I roll around and cover my face with a pillow. I sense the rainbow drinker turning on the room's lights. I uncover my face and blink several times to get used to the light. "How long was I here?" I ask.

"Well Its Three In The Morning, So Quite A While," she replies.

"Whaaaaaaaat? No way!"

"Yes I Was Quite Worried About You," Kanaya says. She looks down and her eyes look alarmed at the sight of the eight balls. "You Started Breaking Them Again?"

"Hehe…yeahhhhhhhh, a8out that…"

"You Haven't Broken One In Over A Year Whats Wrong?" The rainbow drinker walks over to me and sits on my bed, reaching out for my hand.

"Everythiiiiiiiing," I whine. "John is soooooooo over me and I realized I've 8een using 8oth Sollux AND Karkat! I'm such a 8ad troll…"

Kanaya pets my head. "Youre Not Bad, Youre Just Confused. You Havent Been Using Anyone."

"Yes I have!" I protest. "I just went to Karkat's place and when I found out he wasn't home, I started going straight for Sollux's apartment without even thinking! I'm USING them, Kanaya!"

"Youre Not. Youre Just Confused," Kanaya repeats.

"What do I doooooooo?"

"I Dont-Are You Bleeding?"

I look down at myself. The blood's still seeping out. "Oh, yeah, I didn't notice it after a while."

"Vriska…"

"I know, 8ut it won't happen again, I promise." We both go silent for a minute, then I say, "I'm going to go to Sollux's and talk to him, I really feel 8ad." I get up from the bed, but it feels like I'm doing it in slow motion.

Kanaya puts a hand on my arm. "No, Youre Bleeding. And Its Late."

"I don't care, I have to see him."

"Why?"

"I don't know, Karkat seems unavailable right now."

"Okay. But Youre Bleeding. Let Me Take Care Of You." _Oh, such a mother. _

"Kanaya, it's okay, I'll just…wash it off. Please, let me go see Sollux."

"Fine, But Come Back Soon," she says, getting up from my bed.

"Yayyyyyyyy!"

Just like I did at Karkat's apartment, I'm pounding on Sollux's door. "Solluuuuuuuux! Open up!"

After five minutes of continuous knocking, Sollux finally opens it. He looks rumpled in his black T-shirt and yellow pajama bottoms. "Vrii2ka? IIt'2 the miiddle of the niight, what are you doiing?" He yawns.

"I wanna talk to you."

"And iit couldn't waiit?"

"No."

"Fiine, c-" I hug Sollux very tightly.

"I'MREALLYSORRYFORUSINGYOUANDKA RKATTHATWASREALLYMESSEDUPOFM EI'MSUCHA8ITCHIKNOW8UTI'MREALLYSORRYFORHURTINGYOUAND -"

"What the hell are you 2ayiing?"

"I'm sorry! Okay? I'm sorry for striking up this god damn deal with you two!"

"There'2 nothiing two be 2orry about. We agreed."

"8ut-"

"2hut up and come iin2iide." I close my mouth and silently walk past him and into his lavish apartment. "2iit down," he orders, closing the door behind him. I sit on the living room couch. "II'll get you 2ome water." He goes off to the kitchen. I look around, still feeling remorse. _It doesn't matter what Sollux says, I'm 8ad…_

Sollux comes back with a cup of water. "Driink." I sip the beverage as he watches me. When I finish, Sollux asks me, "Now, what'2 your deal?"

"Like I said, I'm sorry."

"II2 that iit?"

"Yeah. Pretty much," I answer after pondering.

"You couldn't call me two 2ay thii2?"

"It felt too important for a phone call."

Sollux sighs. "Jeez, you make no 2en2e. Well, 2iin2e you're here, miight a2 well watch 2ome T.V."

"Okay," I agree, snuggling up to him. He puts an arm around me.

After thirty minutes of mindless T.V, I get the sudden urge to apologize again. "I'm reaaaaaaaally sorry, you know."

"II know, II know."

"I feel really 8ad a8out going out with the two of you at the same time, since you're 8est friends and all."

"IIt'2 cool."

"No, it's not. I hurt you Sollux, don't you get it?"

"You diidn't hurt anyone."

"Yes I diiiiiiiid!" I lean away from him to look at him fully. "I fucking used you two!

"Why do you keep 2ayiing that?"

"8ecause it's TRUE. You just don't get it!"

"2o why don't you explaiin?!"

"I W8LL." I run both of my hands through my hair, entangling them. "You don't know how it feels like to lose your m8sprit not once, not twice, 8ut 8asically THREE times, yet you still love them. It hurts you so much that sometimes you just wanna _die._ And to let go of that 8uilt-up pain, you decide to strike up a deal with two 8est friends." I pause for a moment to gulp down the oncoming waterworks. I stare at the ceiling and continue.

"Yet you had no idea you were doing that; you just saw this as a summer fling. It hurts to mess around with two guys and still love your former m8sprit. It hurts to see him again and still feel that pain. And it hurts even more to keep up this façade." I look back at Sollux; his face is an expression of utter sympathy. That's the only thing that releases the tears, overwhelming my body so much that I shudder. "I-I'm sorry, Sollux…" I whisper.

"II had no iidea you were really feeling that way, Vrii2ka…"

"So please…let me make it up to you."

"How?"

I answer with a kiss on his neck. I sense Sollux's breath catching in his throat. I smirk and make my way to his lips. _May8e this will 8e enough._ Sollux moans softly and kisses me back. I reach under his shirt and feel his stomach. He shivers under my touch. I straddle his hips and continue my assault on his lips and neck. When I try to take his shirt off, the double-horned troll stops me. "No…waiit…"

I lean back. "What's wrong?"

"IIt'2 ju2t that II don't want you two thiink that II'm ju2t u2iing you when you're mo2t vulnerable."

"It's okay, Sollux…" I lean forward to kiss him again, but he gently pushes me back.

"No, no. II-" A knock on the door interrupts him.

"SOLLUX? IT'S ME, KARKAT. ARE YOU AWAKE?"

Sollux groans. "Why doe2 everyone thiink II'm up at thii2 tiime?" he whispers.

"SOLLUX?" Karkat continues. "OPEN UP. I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE." I start to freak out. _Shitshitshit! Ohhhhhhhh no, oh no._

"Vrii2ka, chiill. Get 2ome more water," Sollux says as a way to calm me down.

I nod in response and go to the kitchen and hide under the table. Meanwhile, Karkat's still yelling. _Damn, was I that annoying?_ "SOLLUX. OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR."

"ALRIIGHT," Sollux yells back. He goes to open the door. "What?"

"I'VE GOT TO TALK TO YOU."

"Yeah, II got that."

"I'M WORRIED ABOUT VRISKA. KANAYA TOLD ME SHE WAS FREAKING OUT."

"Yeah, II heard." Karkat brushes past Sollux and comes to the kitchen, flipping on the light switch. I scramble to hide somewhere else but Karkat sees me already.

"VRISKA? YOU'RE HERE? WHAT'S GOING ON?"

"Shhhhhhhh! You're so loud!"

"SO?"

"Ugh, never mind."

Karkat turns to Sollux. "SOLLUX, WHY IS VRISKA HERE?"

"'Cau2e 2he want2 two talk to me two."

"OH. OKAY." Karkat turns back to me. "ARE YOU OKAY?"

"Yes," I mumble.

"OKAY. GAMZEE SAID YOU CAME BY EARLIER TODAY, WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?"

"I wanted to talk to you a8out a certain person."

"WHO?" I glare at him. "OH. RIGHT. WHAT HAPPENED?"

"I went to see him at the park…and he was with Rose." I hear Sollux saying "oooh" under his breath.

"SO YOU DIDN'T TALK TO HIM?"

"No, I did. Just not much, 'cause of Lalonde. They had their fingers intertwined, Karkat."

Karkat looks stunned, not saying anything. I continue. "You know," I say, feeling a lump in my throat, "I had a dream where John told me to talk to him, so I did. I 8rought a sweet pea, 'cause that's an April flower. I was convinced from the dream that John still loved me, so I was excited to see him. 8ut the moment I saw their hands…I couldn't take it anymore. So I ran to see you, 8ut you weren't there. I went to see Sollux, 8ut I realized I'm just using 8oth of you. I couldn't deal with it, hence my mental breakdown." I sniffle and wipe my nose.

"I still feel red for John, Karkat…" I admit, the tears falling down again.

The nubby-horned troll bends down to me and kisses them away. "IT'S OKAY, VRISKA." He hugs me. Sollux joins in as well.

"Thanks 8oys, I really appreci8 it." Sollux picks me up bridal-style and the three of us go back to the living room, the T.V still on. I sit in the middle, my head on Karkat's shoulder and my feet on Sollux's lap. We stay like this until we fall asleep at seven in the morning.

_Everything's white again. "Oh God, not agaiiiiiiiin!" I cry out. _

"_What's the matter Vriska?" John asks. He's behind me this time._

_I turn around to face him, trying and failing to resist his eyes. "This!" I yell. He looks at me blankly. "Everything is the matter John! You said to talk to you when I woke up, and I did! 8ut you know what I saw? You holding hands with Rose."_

"_Vriska I-"_

"_You gave me hope that you still loved me! And for what?! You lied to me! You still don't feel for me. I was so stupid to believe you…"_

"_Vriska that's not true, I still do love you!"_

"_So what the F8CK was that?!"_

"_I don't think you knew what was going on."_

"_Well since you're a god damn expert, why don't you tell me?"_

"_I think Rose and I were just hanging out and were casually holding hands when you saw us."_

"_8ullshit!" I stomp my foot._

"_Believe me Vriska, Rose and I aren't like that."_

"_So what should I do? 'Cause after I saw that I left."_

"_Try again."_

"_Why? So my heart can get 8roken again?"_

"_No, so you can understand."_

"_I understand perfectly well John!" I cross my arms. "You're manipulative and you're only playing me 'cause you know I'll do anything."_

"_That's not true Vriska, and you know that."_

"_I don't know what I know anymore!"_

"_Please," John begs, "just try."_

"_Fine," I say reluctantly. "8ut if I find out it's really over, don't come 8ack."_

"_You don't really mean it, do you?" he asks._

"_No, I was trying to sound tough." John sighs in relief. Then he leans in close to kiss my cheek._

"_As my way of saying thank you," he whispers in my ear, starting to fade away just like last time. "8ye Vriska, I hope to see you soon." He smiles at me and then he fades completely._

I wake up with the dream still fresh on my mind. I roll off the couch and make my way to the door when the guys' voices from the kitchen stop me. It smells like they're making breakfast.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, VRISKA?"

"Where are you goiing?"

"Out," I reply, opening the door.

"WHERE?" Karkat demands. I don't reply this time. Both of them attempt to go and stop me, but it's too late-I'm already out the door.

After a shower and a change of clothes back at my apartment, I search everywhere for John. _Damn, why did I delete his num8er? _I rack my brain, trying to remember the places he would be. _Let's see, I already checked the park. He doesn't drink coffee, so he wouldn't 8e at a Star8ucks. He h8s 8etty Crocker so I don't think he'd 8e at a supermarket…where could he 8e?_

In my wandering, I somehow end up at Aradia's again. I decide to browse around. I find the sweet peas in the back of the shop. I'm flooded with the memories of yesterday, but I push them away. _It's a new day._ I feel one of its petals; it's really soft, maybe softer than cashmere. I pick it up and sniff it, the sweet fragrance wafting in my nose. In my distraction, I hear, "I was hoping you'd be here…haha." I whip around. Behind me is the one I'm in love with.

John.

He has a bright yellow chrysanthemum in his hand. I notice that his face is really pink. "I want to say I'm sorry if you thought that something was going on between Rose and I, but we're just best friends. I know we held hands, but that didn't mean anything."

John shoves the flower at me, looking down at the floor. "I got this for you." I take the flower into my hands gently, admiring the color. "I-I also looked up the meaning of that flower you gave me, the sweet pea. It usually means good-bye or blissful pleasure…I'm really hoping it's not the first one...haha."

I chuckle under my breath. "It's 8lissful pleasure." John lets out a relieved breath. I turn the chrysanthemum over. "You got me a Novem8er flower…"

"Y-yeah! I also looked that up and it means secret love, friendship, or compassion."

I look up and stare at John's blue eyes, my yellow ones wide with tacit question. "I-is this-?"

"Yeah Vriska, I'm telling you that I've still been secretly loving you." His mouth breaks into a shy grin, his cheeks more flushed than before.

I rapidly blink the oncoming tears away. "J-John…" I jump into his arms, the tears freely falling now. "I missed you so much…"

"I missed you too," he whispers in my ear, rubbing my back. It sounds like he's crying too.

We stay like this for what seems like forever and then we hear, "So…uh…are you going to buy anything or…?" John and I look up to face Aradia. She keeps fidgeting with a bouquet of freshly cut flowers.

"U-um…" John says, sharing a look with me, "no, it seems like we've already found what we wanted."

Aradia's face lights up. "I'm so glad! You two are perfect together," she comments, moving away to the counter. John and I pass her by and wave at her, our hands interlocked.

When we leave the flower shop, I tell John, "W8, I gotta do something first."

"What is it?"

I don't answer. Instead, I take out my phone and press the speed-dial numbers eleven, sixty-nine, and three. The phone rings only twice when everyone picks up.

"WHO IS THIS?"

"II2 thii2 Vrii2ka?"

"Where Are You? You Never Came Back Home."

I laugh loudly, overwhelmed with sheer happiness. "Guys, good news! Karkat and Sollux, the deal's off! Kanaya, I just left Aradia's store."

"WAIT. HOLD THE FUCK UP. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN THE DEAL'S OFF?" Karkat yells into the phone.

"What the hell?" Sollux asks incredulously. Kanaya doesn't say anything, but I know that she's smiling.

"It's trueeeeeeee! It's off!" All the while, John's laughing silently at their reactions.

"ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?"

"Yes Karkat!"

"Why?" Sollux asks.

"It's time for something new," I respond.

"BULLSHIT."

"KK'2 riight."

"Come on guys, 8e happy!"

"DON'T YOU WORRY, I'M HAPPY AS FUCK, BUT I WAS COMMITTED TO THIS."

"Well go 8e committed somewhere else. I heard Terezi's availa8le. " I can just imagine Karkat's blushing face right now.

"S-SHUT UP. ARE YOU WITH THE JOHN HUMAN?"

"Yes!"

"I FUCKING KN-!" I hang up the phone, cutting off Karkat and turn to John. I kiss his cheek. He blushes and we start walking. To where, I don't know, but I don't care, as long as I'm with John.

"Soo…you were dating Sollux too?" John asks.

"Yeah, I think I dated them 8oth so I don't feel lonely anymore. I missed you, even when I didn't admit it."

"I missed you too, but I didn't know until I saw you again."

"John?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too," he says, kissing me softly.

I smile and sigh contentedly. _I'm finally with my m8sprit._


End file.
